


Do You Think About Me

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 12:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12410304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: We would never be as young, as carefree as we were in this moment. We had found each other, broken and bleeding. We put each other back together. Without Cassian I would've fallen apart trying to heal my sister. Without his steady hand, his loving eyes, I would've lost myself.“This moment,” I whispered as I pressed my forehead against his, “will be the moment I remember. For always.”





	Do You Think About Me

\----------

I think about that first cold September night every once and awhile. I remember the strong arms that held me, how he was my blanket. He held me and the year stood still. I thought about the moment it all fell into place. How I was suddenly head over heels for someone I thought I had completely hated. I think about the stars and how they sparkled down on us.

But mostly I wonder if he thinks about me. The way I think about him. If he remembers us the way I remember us.

My favorite memory will always be that first September we found a break during our classes sophomore year. We sat underneath the tree outside the dorm, the sun had set hours ago. Cassian had his arms around me and he was my own personal heater. If someone would’ve told me I would be sitting outside with Cassian Moten looking at the stars and smiling like an idiot, I would’ve called them a liar.

But after what happened to Feyre, after Rhys found her and helped her heal, something changed between us. I started seeking him out. I started wanting to hear his stupid jokes. Somehow he had become the person to save me while everyone else saved my sister.

Cassian pressed his lips against my shoulder. My shirt had slipped and I shivered as the warmth seeped through his mouth against my skin, “I love this,” he whispered softly, “you, me, the stars. It’s everything I’ve always wanted.”

I turned so my face was close to his, “yeah. Me too.”

“I've been captivated by you since freshman year, Nessa.”

I leaned into him and time actually stood still as he kissed me. There was nowhere else I'd rather be. There was no sight, no moment as beautiful as the way it felt to have Cassian press his lips against mine. From the very first time, the very first moment he touched me the way he touched me now, I was gone.

“Do you think… after we've finished classes and we go out into the world it will still feel like this?”

“Only with you and me,” he whispered softly and kissed me once again.

I smiled as I burrowed closer to his chest, feeding on his warmth and feeling as if this moment would never happen again. We would never be as young, as carefree as we were in this moment. We had found each other, broken and bleeding. We put each other back together. Without Cassian I would've fallen apart trying to heal my sister. Without his steady hand, his loving eyes, I would've lost myself.

“This moment,” I whispered as I pressed my forehead against his, “will be the moment I remember. For always.”

“We'll be doing this even when we're old and gray,” he gave me that crooked smile and then kissed the corner of my mouth. I shivered as the wind blew and Cassian’s fingers snuck up my shirt. I giggled, but just then before we could move further, thunder boomed and the sky opened up.

I squealed as I jumped up and Cassian grabbed the blankets. He was laughing, the rain soaking us within seconds. My hair was plastered to my forehead, my shirt was see through. I darted towards his apartment, my boyfriend close to my heels. We had been dating for over a month at that point, but it still felt strange to call him that. It felt weird to actually feel something for him instead of anger and hatred.

Although now I realized I never truly hated him. I was trying to ignore the butterflies, I was trying to make myself believe I didn't like him.

Now. Now I was falling in love with him.

We were both giggling uncontrollably as we closed the door. Cassian shook his hair like a dog, spraying me with more water. “Ah you're getting me wet!”

“Well. I guess we'll just have to go get a warm, shower.”

I giggled as he leaned in, “ugh you're soaked.”

“So are you woman.” He tickled my sides, making me squeal loudly as the water dripped from both of us, “don't worry. You look like a cute drowned rat.”

I kissed him, my heart speeding up. We hadn't officially, been together, together. I was still nervous, mostly because of Tomas. He had torn apart my self esteem and it took a lot of time for me to build myself up again. And a lot of that was because of Feyre. Sometimes I felt guilty because she helped me but when it came time to repay the favor I had needed help myself.

“We don't have to,” he whispered softly. Always the perfect gentleman. He never pushed me, he never tried to rush me. He knew what Tomas had done, he knew why I was still scared of being with him completely. 

I shook my head and pulled my wet shirt off, leaning in and smiling, “I want to. I want you.”

His smile was beautiful, and took up his whole face. He pulled me in, the blankets dropped to the floor. He picked me up and carried me to the bathroom. I wrapped my arms around his waist and I felt myself relax. Because this was Cassian. He would never hurt me. He was always gentle, he was always sweet. He would never do something I didn't want him to do.

I pulled back before he set me down, holding his eyes with mine, “I love you.”

He stopped, I felt his chest deflate for a moment. His eyes kept searching mine as we held each other's gazes. His smile was even more beautiful than before, “I love you too,” he laughed. His voice breaking, “I love you so much. I think I always have.”

I gasped as he pulled me closer and made me squeal, swinging me around the bathroom. He kissed me, then kept kissing me. Pecks on my cheeks, my nose, my eyelids. I giggled as he held me close, finally feeling as if I had found where I belonged. Like I had found my home.

“I never felt like I belonged anywhere until now,” I touched his cheek, “you're my home, Cass.”

He kissed me and then he kicked the door shut with his foot. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I finally felt myself freed from the past. From the demons, from the anger, from the pain of everything that had happened before.

\----

Somehow we fell into a life together. I was happy, going to classes and living with my boyfriend. Well unofficially living with him since I still had my own place. We finished sophomore year and junior year happier than we had ever been. We held hands, we stole kisses in the hallway, we were that couple. Everyone knew us as Cassian and Nesta. Where you found one, the other was bound to follow. Life seemed surreal to me. I had never been in such a place, such a state of mind as this.

Time didn't slow down and suddenly senior year was almost over and we all had decisions to make. Just as soon as life seemed perfect, it diverted and offered me another path. And that other path was the offering of a job, in the field I wanted. The perfect entry job, across the country.

I had no idea how to talk to Cassian about that. Because I didn't want to lose him. But I couldn't make him choose. He had a good job and another year of school. He had changed his major and so I was graduating before him. I knew you weren't supposed to choose love over a job. But I also knew I never wanted anyone except Cassian.

I blew out a breath as I walked towards the apartment. I wasn't sure what I was going to do. But I was told I had twenty four hours to give them an answer.

My heart hurt. But I couldn't see leaving him even for a year. And then I hated myself, for being that girl. Who was putting a guy before everything else. But with Cassian it was easy. Because I wanted him, the way I never wanted anything else in my life. I didn't want to lose him, but I also didn't want to lose my dreams either.

“Honey you're home!” Cassian met me by the door and kissed my cheek, “hey you okay?”

“Yeah,” I put down my bag, “long day.” 

“Well good thing I made you dinner,” he winked as he walked back into the kitchen. 

“Are you wearing an apron?” I asked following him through the room. My worries disappeared as I came around into the kitchen and confirmed that he was indeed wearing an apron. My stomach grumbled, when I smelled the dinner he was making. It smelled amazing, I loved when Cassian cooked. He was way too good at it. I smiled as I leaned against the counter.

He flashed me a smirk,  “it is an apron. I didn't want to get my nice shirt dirty.”

I ate a carrot as I remembered coming home to this exact scene once before. Except there was no nice shirt underneath that apron. He had surprised me with dinner and his birthday suit. I blushed at the memory, my eyes involuntarily going to the sink. God this room had seen more than enough. If the walls could talk they'd scream I'm sure.

Cassian walked into my field of view, “I know what you're thinking. We can do a repeat of your birthday… if you really want.”

I giggled as he kissed my neck, his teeth grazing over my skin. I moaned against him, my body craving his. Ever since I gave into him I wanted nothing more than to drown in his embrace. He was my drug, his kiss was the only cure I could find.

“I would take you up on that offer,” I whispered against his lips that finally settled against mine, “but I'm starving. Maybe you should learn to be as good in the bedroom as you are in the kitchen.”

He pinched my hips, “hey take that back. Or I'll make you,” he pressed his hips into mine hard and I squealed. I giggled as he ran his hands down my body.

“I love you in the kitchen,” I kissed his cheek, then his nose, “and the bedroom. And the living room,” he laughed as I kissed his eyelids, “and the car. And the backyard.”

Cassian groaned, his hips hitting mine. Then he jumped back when the smell of burning food reached us, “shit you distracted me!”

“I told you I was hungry,” I all but collapsed back against the counter. He mumbled more curse words as he fixed whatever it is that was burning. 

I shook my head and went to change out of my nice clothes. I grabbed one of Cassian's shirts, one that was too small and I had now claimed as my own, and pulled it on over a pair of worn and very comfortable leggings. I pulled my hair up off my shoulders and felt like I was officially home. I chucked my shoes into the closet and then went back into the kitchen.

The food was ready, Cassian had already set the table. He was using actual plates this time. I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked around, wondering what he was doing all this for. Maybe he had gotten good news. Maybe he had heard about my job offer. Or maybe he just wanted to show me how much he cared. I sat down beside him and smiled.

“This looks amazing,” I smiled as I took a bite of the meatloaf and it fell apart in my mouth. God he was an amazing cook. I took for granted every meal we shared.

We made small talk. I avoided mentioning the job offer, still not sure how to bring it up. It was there, a constant in my mind. Reminding me that I had a decision to make. I had to decide between a career and the love of my life. Because that's what Cassian was. The love of my life. No amount of time could change that. No amount of distance could alter it either. 

Cassian told me about the day he spent with Rhys and Feyre while I had been taking one of my finals. I laughed as he told me how my littlest sister was trying to hint to Rhys that she wanted to get married. Of course she was too young, but I'd never tell her that. I was surprised Rhys hadn't proposed yet though, they were sickeningly cute together. 

The conversation died and the candle flickered in the middle of the table. Cassian smiled at me and wiped his mouth with his napkin. Usually he wiped his hands on his pants. He sighed and then pushed out his chair.

“Nesta,” he was wearing nice clothes. It took me until this moment, and our dinner almost gone for me to realize he was trying. His hair was pulled back and he looked so cute. I bit my lip as he knelt down to my level, “I love you. So much. This last year has been amazing. I've never wanted to spend everyday with someone the way I want to spend it with you.”

Tears filled my eyes, “Cass.”

I touched his cheek and he leaned in like a cat. He smiled, pressing his lips to my wrist, “will you… make me the happiest man in this world and marry me?”

My heart stopped when I saw the ring. It was beautiful. Old and simple, it was a silver hammered band with a single blue diamond in the middle. Tears filled my eyes, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. My body was stiff, this wasn't a decision I needed to make now. 

Cassian read my hesitation. He let out a slow breath and brought his eyes to mine. My mouth opened and the words fell out before I could stop them, “I got a job offer. In New York.”

His eyebrows creased together, “oh.” Then his face fell, his bright brown eyes lost most of their light, “that's... That's not what I thought you'd say.”

I grabbed his face and held him there, “I want to marry you. I don't want to leave you, but this is my dream. To work at a publishing company. To make my way into the world of books. I want to say yes, but what if a year changes us? What if you find someone else when I graduate?”

“That's why. I thought.” He let out a slow breath, “so you don't want to be with me?”

There were tears in his eyes as he snapped the box closed and then stood up. He looked so hurt, so upset that I didn't know how to comfort him, “no Cass I do. I want to be with you, so much it hurts to think about moving away from you. But what if we change? What if we don’t want the same things next year?”

“You think I'd stop loving you?”

“I didn't say that. But what if you get a job somewhere else, or what if you change your major again? I don't want to be the reason you don't make a choice. I love you, I want you to be exactly who you are supposed to be.”

“I want to be yours,” he whispered, “today, tomorrow. I can find a job in New York. I won't change my mind. But it sounds like you will.”

“Cassian.” He stepped away from me. I shouldn't have brought this up now. I shouldn't have said anything. I should've said yes. 

He shook his head, “I think. I think I need some time.”

I stood up and touched his arm, but he shook me off, “Cass.”

“I had it all planned out. You would say yes and we would celebrate. I'd make breakfast and then we'd spend all day in my bed. You would graduate next week and we would figure it out. We would figure it out together. Because I might not know what I want to do, where I want to be. But I've known since the day I met you I wanted to always be with you.”

When he turned to face me his eyes were red rimmed, “I want to be with you too. I'm not going to take that job. I'm going to stay here.”

“Don't change your life for me, Nesta. I know you want it.”

“Then don't change your life for me, Cass. Please. Can we just, do this again?”

He shook his head, “I don't think so. I love you. But I refuse to be the reason why you turn down this job. I won't be your biggest regret.”

Tears filled my eyes, “Cassian. Don't you do that. Don't act like this is all on me. You're still in school. You're still finding your way too.”

“Which is why I should've listened to your sister. She told me you wouldn't be ready. When I asked for her blessing, she told me you wouldn't say yes. I guess she was right.”

He took a step towards me, “Cassian.”

He reached out and touched the tips of his fingers to my cheek. Then he shook his head and let out a breath, “go home Nessa,” his voice broke on the nickname he had given me all those years ago, “you have a big decision to make.”

A tear slipped down my cheek as he left me standing there. I listened to the click of his door and my knees gave out. I grabbed the table for support as I struggled to bring sir into my lungs. Because he didn't realize I was already home. Going back to my apartment would do nothing to ease my heart. Because once I left his arms I would never find another home.

\----

It felt like a lifetime ago since I had felt anything but an ache inside my chest. I missed home, but I tried to embrace the hustle and bustle of the city, my new home. I loved going to my job, I loved being an assistant.  I threw myself into my work, into trying to make friends, to avoid thinking about him. To stop wondering, wishing I could wake up and smell him making breakfast. I wanted nothing more than to stop craving his touch, to stop missing him.

After the failed proposal he stopped answering me. It hurt, the silence, knowing I had hurt him. I accepted the job and I assumed Cassian was moving on with his life too. I wondered if he missed me. I wondered if he remembered the good times. Or if all he could remember were the bad. I wondered if he remembered that first September. If he smiled whenever it rained.

If he remembered the way it was. The way he touched way he loved me.

It had been a year since we broke up. One long year and I missed him more and more everyday. A year in which my heart never truly healed, it only somehow stitched itself back together. It beat inside my chest, it pumped blood into my body. But it didn't feel, it didn't seek out a home anymore. Because it knew where it truly belonged.

I had given my heart away five years ago and I had never gotten it back.

I reached out once after I got here. I went with new coworkers to get drinks and I had one too many. I texted him, then when he didn't respond I called. A girl picked up and I lost it. I fell apart completely. It wasn't until the next day when Feyre called me and explained that it had been her trying to help Cassian. My hungover brain barely understood her words. 

I didn't reach out again. I didn't call or text. The only way I knew about Cassian was because Feyre and Rhys insisted on keeping me up to date with his life. They even tried to get me to fly home to see him graduate. Once upon a time I would have. He had been my best friend. When I left I left my home, a part of myself back in that tiny town.

I was still learning how to live without that missing piece.

Most mornings it took me time to pull myself out of bed. This morning it had been longer than normal. I laid there staring at my hand, looking my empty ring finger, wondering how different life would be if I had just said yes. Whenever I woke up I would I remember the way it felt for Cassian to be pressed up against me. For his breath to tickle my next and his warmth seeping into me.

I closed my eyes against the tears. I missed him so much it was hard to breathe most days. This morning was even harder and I had no idea why. Maybe it was because Feyre had called me with her exciting news. Her and Rhys were expecting a baby. She was so excited I didn't have the heart to ask for my weekly update in Cassian.

Rhys was one of his best friends, so whenever my sister called for a weekly update on my life she would also somehow slip him into the conversation. She would tell me what he was doing, if he was seeing someone. It broke my heart the first time she told me he had gone out on a date with a girl from one of his classes. 

He had moved on. I had broken his heart, I had broken him so badly, that he was moving on without me. That hurt me more than anything else.

I forced myself out of bed. I still wore his old shirt to sleep in. I never took off the necklace he had given me on our first anniversary. It was old and meant so much more to me than anything else he had ever given me. It was an old waxed stamp of a forget me not flower, stamped on a silver pendant. He had given it to me and said it would be so I never forgot him.

Little did he know I never truly would. He had wounded my heart in a way I would never heal from. Then again I had done it to myself.

I wiped away another set of tears. I couldn't believe I still had any left. But every morning I woke up with a brand new set of tears. And every night I dreamt about his stupid handsome face. God I missed him. I missed his stupid jokes, his stupid laugh.

My mind went back to that September night yet again. When we made love for the first time. When I told him how I felt, that I loved him with all my heart, my soul, and my body. One year and it felt like the wound was never going to heal. It felt like it was getting worse instead of easier.

I got into the shower, letting the scolding hot water hit me. I closed my eyes and shoot my head trying to put myself together. This was the usual routine I found myself in in the mornings. It was getting harder and harder for me to remember why I loved this city. Why I loved this job.

But I did. I loved working with books, be surrounded by people who loved books too. And even though I was insanely homesick, all the time, I loved this city. The only thing that could've made it better was having someone to share my success, my happiness with.

Maybe it was Feyre’s excitement for the baby, but something about her phone call had hit a sore spot. Today was even harder than normal.

My shower took longer because it was getting cooler out and I didn't want to leave the warmth of my bathroom. I forced myself to get ready and face the day. 

I pulled on a new skirt I had bought. It was green with a floral pattern and it flared when I walked. Even though living here was expensive, I found myself having the luxury of buying things for myself. It hadn't been that way in a while, since I had taken over taking care of my sisters. It was nice, I missed them, but I loved having my own freedom.

I paired it with a nice white button down shirt. I tucked the shirt in and then fixed my still drying hair. I put in a little makeup, hoping to hide the redness from my still puffy eyes.

I finished getting ready and grabbed my bag. I stopped at the same coffee shop I stopped at every morning. I got my peppermint hot chocolate, then headed down the busy streets towards the tall publishing building I had always dreamed about walking into. Of course I had always dreamed of walking in as an author. But slow and steady wins the race I suppose.

I sighed and got into the still crowded elevator and took a sip of my cooling drink. It smelled like bodies and feet, but I was still thrilled to be here. Thrilled and yet numb to it all. Because I didn’t have the one person I wanted to share this all with.

I pushed Cassian out of my head and tried to focus on today. I was meeting with a new author, someone like me. I was going to read over a few manuscripts. The elevator dinged and then we all filed out onto our given floor.

I smiled at the interns and a few other people as I walked towards the back where my desk was. My skirt was riding up and I wanted to fix it. But my hands were full. 

“Nesta there's someone waiting for you,” the secretary couldn't hide her smile as I walked into the back, I nodded as I went towards my desk and then stopped short. I almost dropped my drink, but somehow I set it on the desk closest to me before it fell.

I grabbed the wall for support, my knees weak. His hair was shorter, his skin was a little darker, kissed by the country sun. He held flowers in his hand, he looked exactly the same and yet completely different. It took me a moment to realize it was in his eyes they weren't as bright. He had filled out more, if that was even possible. He looked exactly like the man I had been dreaming about. But he looked even better in person. His cheeks were slightly red.

“Hi.” His deep voice would've knocked me down if I wasn't already using the wall for support.

“What…. what are you doing here?” My voice was barely more than a whisper as Cassian stepped towards me. He flashed me that crooked smile I hadn't seen in forever. The smile I had been dreaming about, the smile I had been missing.

He was wearing a nice shirt with what I assumed were brand new jeans. My heart was pounding inside my chest, because he was a sight for very sore eyes. Cassian handed me the flowers and everyone else in the room, everyone who was filming, who was staring, faded into nothing.

“I thought I'd try this again,” he reached into his pocket and let out a breath, “it's been a year since I asked you the most important question of my life. One year where I've done nothing but wish for you, miss you, dream of graduating so I could come join you here. Nothing has changed for me in the last year Nessa. I love you just as much, maybe more, than I did the first time I got down on one knee.”

Tears filled my eyes as I covered my mouth with both my hands, “Cassian.”

His smile was beautiful as he got down on one knee, “I'm not finished. So like I said it's been a year of missing you. A year of me hearing about your life through Rhys and Feyre. The worst year of my life. So, this time what do you say? I graduated, you've got a job. Will you marry me?”

I didn't even hesitate, “yes,” I answered him, that same beautiful ring waiting for me in that black box. Cassian slipped it on my finger as he stood up, wrapping his arms around my waist. I cried as someone took a picture and others started clapping.

“I never stopped,” I whispered pressing for my forehead against his, “I always loved you.”

He kissed me, “well that answers my question,” he smiled, his nose brushing mine, “I spent the last year wondering if you thought of me, the way I remembered you.”

I nodded, hugging him tightly, “god I've missed you.”

Someone started clapping and I jumped, pulling back out of Cassian’s arms. My boss stood there smiling. She shook her head, “I've always known she left her heart back home. I never knew the one who held it was so handsome.”

I blushed as Cassian wrapped his arm around my waist, “Clara. I'm sorry this is Cassian. My best friend and now fiancé.”

I put my hand flat over his heart and smiled as he looked at me. He nodded at my boss, “I'm sorry I ambushed your office. I just needed to see her.”

“I've never seen her smile the way she is right now. Nesta, take the day off to celebrate. You've got a year to catch up on with this handsome male.”

Cassian kissed my cheek, “really? You're sure?”

She nodded, “yes. Go now before I change my mind. You deserve your happy ending. I'm sure you've read and written your fair share. Now go live yours.”

I smiled even wider, “thank you Clara. You have no idea.”

“I was young once. Now go you two. Celebrate.”

Cassian grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the office before I had a chance to protest. I giggled as we got into the already open elevator and he didn't waste a moment. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me as hard as he did the last time we had been together. I pressed my body to his, feeling the ache of his absence.

“I'm sorry,” I whispered as tears filled my eyes, “I'm sorry I never should have doubted you. I love you and that will never change.”

“You were right. A year made me realize some things. Like how much I love spending the mornings wrapped in my sheets with you. How much I love the sounds you make when I touch you. But mostly I missed my best friend, the friend I lost when I pushed you away.”

“I missed you too,” I said against his mouth. The bell dinged and he pulled me out, then through the lobby and back out into the cold air. I pulled him into the direction of my apartment, already well aware that the talking would take place later. We had spent too much time apart.

All I needed was to feel his body against mine and I would finally be home again.

\----

Feyre couldn't see her feet anymore. But she insisted she was able to stand on her swollen ankles as my maid of honor. Her dress had been altered three times for her ever expanding belly, but it fit her perfectly now. We didn't even wait three weeks to plan the wedding. I was already ready and willing to marry the man I had been missing for 12 long months now. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how different my eyes looked. I was happy, happier than I had been before. My eyes weren't haunted anymore, the pain had all but disappeared. I pulled at the beaded waist of my own dress, it felt like it was suffocating me. The room felt warm, I felt like I was going to pass out.

“Breathe,” Elain said as she came to stand in front of me. She put both her hands on my cheeks and I let out the breath I had been holding, “remember it's Cassian who's waiting for you at the end of that aisle. You love him.”

I nodded, “thanks. I'm a little nervous.”

She laughed, “I know. I just saw your groom and he's as nervous as you.”

Elain fixed the blue flowers she had twisted into my hair. They sat in a crown, it was my something blue. Feyre had let me borrow her silver earrings and my bracelet was brand new. A gift from both my sisters. They said it was because I was the first one to get married.

The music started and Feyre clapped, “Elain we have to go. Nesta you ready?”

I smiled, “as ready as I’ll ever be.”

I took my place at the doors as everyone stood up. Cassian’s little cousin was our flower girl. She also carried the rings. Elain took Azriels arm and started down the aisle. Then Feyre and Mor followed. I watched as everyone smiled, our families there to witness us finally become husband and wife. The family we were given and the family of friends we chose. 

The traditional march sounded and my heart skipped a beat. Everyone turned their attention to me, well everyone except the last person at the end of the aisle. I took in a deep breath and counted to ten slowly in my head.

If my hands weren't holding my bouquet they would've been shaking. I took in a steady breath, my veil covering my face. I took Rhys’s arm and felt my heart do a flip. Cassian stood with his back to us, at the very end of the aisle. He wouldn't turn around. He told me it was a tradition, the men in his family didn't see their bride until they were standing right there with them.

Mor leaned over and whispered something in his ear. I watched the tips of his ears turn pink, but he didn’t turn around. I knew it was about me because her eyes caught mine and her smile was dazzling.

“He's just as excited to see you,” Rhys whispered softly.

I smiled, “it took us a year, but we made it.”

We made it to the end of the aisle and Cassian stepped down. He offered my hand to Cassian, “who gives this woman to this man?”

“I do.” Rhys winked as he stepped back and Cassian pushed my veil aside. His eyes went wide, his smile was beautiful. He looked like a child opening his favorite toy on Christmas. He looked at me like I was the only person in this room.

“Wow,” he bit his lip as he took me in, “you're beautiful. I didn't think you could possibly be more beautiful and yet somehow you still take my breath away.”

I blushed as we turned and took our place in front of the preacher. I handed Feyre my flowers, then took Cassian’s arm. He started with the usual speech. How we were gathered here to witness a union between two people. I barely heard his words, leaning into the weight of Cassian on my arm. I curled my fingers around his wrist and held him. Afraid he might slip through my fingers again.

“Nesta and Cassian would like to share their own vows before sealing their union with traditional ones. Nesta,” he smiled at me, “would you like to go first?”

I blushed and turned so I was facing Cassian instead of standing beside him. I took in a deep breath and pulled the first letter I had written to him when I got to New York. The first and only letter where I had poured my heart out.

I took in a breath and unfolded the paper I had hidden in my dress, “I uh. I wrote this after I left. I never sent it, because I didn’t think it would matter. But anyways, here it goes,” I cleared my throat, “dear Cassian. It’s been forty eight hours and I don’t know what hurts more; my pride or my heart. I miss you. I know I shouldn’t have left without letting you explain. I shouldn’t have left without giving you a proper goodbye. It’s been forty eight hours and I owe you the truth. When you proposed I got scared. I was scared to make a commitment that big. But I wasn’t scared of you. I was scared of myself. That’s what I didn’t tell you. And now I wish more than anything I had.

I was afraid you’d stop loving me because I never deserved you. I was afraid you would find out the truth, that I’m a coward, that I’m stubborn and not worth your time. You’ve always been far too good for me. Between your patience and your love, I tested it all. But for some reason no matter what I did or said, you always chose me. 

One day we'll meet again. One day I will tell you that letting you go was the biggest mistake I ever made. One day we will pick up the pieces and start where we left off. Because I will never stop loving you.”

I folded the paper back up and Cassian shook his head. He took out his own paper and laughed, “I wrote this the day you left too. Dear Nessa. The house is quiet without your laughter. I didn’t wake up to your cold feet pressing against me, or your hands holding onto my shirt. I didn’t kiss away the tears that came with your tossing and turning nightmare. The one you still refuse to tell me about. I never knew I’d miss those things, but after four years I do. I come home and it’s empty, it’s quiet. Without you this home is nothing more than four walls.

You were my life, my home. Without you the sky isn’t as blue, the world doesn’t turn as quickly. Without you I’ve lost my way. But I won’t hold you back for me. Because I love you too much to ask you to change your life for me. You deserve your dreams. 

And contrary to what you believe, I will never stop loving you Nesta, not even when I’m old and gray. You are the love of my life. Something not every person finds in this life. I found you and I got to spend four years of my life with you. If that’s all the time we get then I’ll be forever grateful to have found you at all.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks. My heart felt empty and then whole all at once. I shook my head, “Cass.”

The preacher shook his head when I tried to kiss him, “not yet, you two beautiful love birds. Alright now for the rings.”

Feyre passed me my ring and then Az handed Cassian his. I took in a breath as the preacher smiled at us, his eyes sparkling, “now repeat after me.”

“I Nesta Acheron take thee Cassian to be my lawfully wedded husband. You are blood of my blood. Bone of my bone. I give you my body, that we two might be one. I give you my spirit, ‘til our life shall be done.” 

I slipped his ring on his finger and took in a breath.

There were tears in his eyes and he wiped one away when it was his turn, “I Cassian Moten take thee Nesta Acheron to be my lawfully wedded wife. You are blood of my blood. Bone of my bone. I give you my body, that we two might be one. I give you my spirit, ‘til our life shall be done.” 

I wiped away my own tears and then took in a deep breath. He slipped my ring on and then I heard my sister sniff. The preacher smiled, “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

Cassian scooped me up and wrapped me in his arms. He kissed me as all our friends and family cheered. It had taken us a year to find our way back together. But standing there in his arms, kissing him with our family surrounding us, I knew no matter where we ended up, I would be okay. With Cassian beside me, I was finally home.


End file.
